Who's Usagi?
by Moon Faery
Summary: A spoof, probably one of the spoofiest that I've ever done. Doom Tree season, pointless, but funny! DiC gets loose, Mamoru forgets Usa AGAIN, and my alter ego (Celestia) is on the loose and in control!


Who's Usagi?  
By Moon Faery   
(crystalmilleniu@bolt.com)  
Rated pg13 (language)  
  
This is *not* a songfic. I just got my inspiration from the   
song Desperado by Garth Brooks. I would *LIKE* to make a   
Desperado SongFic with a different storyline, but I don't have   
the lyrics! If anybody has the lyrics to Desperado by Garth   
Brooks (Double Live Album) Please tell me! I'll give you a nice   
note. Thanks. And don't bother asking how my twisted mind got   
this atrocity from a beautiful song like Desperado. I wasn't   
really in control, my evil alter ego, Sailor Celestia, was. Don't   
read this! I be- *BONK!*  
  
Celestia: Hehe, don't listen to that pansy. She just doesn't   
like to admit that I'm the better ego.  
  
Crys (rubbing head): Are not!  
  
Celestia: Are too!   
  
Crys: You are- hey! What are yo- mmmpph, mummp grr!  
  
Celestia (finished hogg tying and gagging Crystaline): Now,   
where was I? Oh yes...  
  
And kinda is a spoof about Mamo-chan's bouts of amnesia. Not   
very funny though, by my twisted standards.  
  
Quote Of The Week (by Celestia): YKYWTMSMW... You have been   
aressted for "Negligance with a Tiara" and "Random Mass   
Moondusting".  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Mamoru sighed and looked down at his coffee. The encounter   
earlier with Odango Atama was still rolling through his head. It   
had gone something like this:  
  
Mamoru: Well, Odango. I see you're doing well. What are you   
up to now, 7 full meals a day?  
  
Usagi: Mamoru-Baka! I *do not* need this from you today, do   
you hear me, you giant jerk?!  
  
Mamoru: Aww, Odango. What will I do if I don't tease you?   
(He was serious He *LIVED* for these daily arguments.)  
  
Usagi: Listen you creep, I don't know why you do this to me,   
but I've had it! *I HATE YOU!!!* If I *ever* see you're asshole   
face again, I'll call the cops! Do you hear me, Mamoru-Baka?  
  
Mamoru: You're joking! Usagi-san, you wouldn't call the   
police on me, would you? (He thought it was just another   
meaningless threat.)  
  
Usagi (slaping him): Try me, jackass. (She stomps off)  
  
Mamoru (staring after her and feeling like a baka): She   
meant it this time.  
  
"Konnichi'wa. Mamoru-kun!" Motoki greets him jovialy. "Hey,   
man. You look terrible. Bad day?"  
  
Mamoru just stared into his coffee some more, not noticing   
that it was icy cold. "She meant it," he muttered. His blue eyes   
looked aimlessly into the dark depths of the black liquid.  
  
"Mamoru-kun?" Motoki tried again. "*MAMORU-KUN!*" Motoki   
screamed, slapping his friend upside the head. "Genki desuka?!"  
  
Mamoru didn't even notice. He just pushed his cold coffee   
aside and started slamming his head into the counter. "Baka,   
baka, baka..."  
  
Motoki, worried for his friend's mental stability, grabbed   
Mamoru's shoulders and bodily dragged him from his chair. "Mamoru-  
kun! Are you insane?! You're 18, not 3! Do you want amnesia,   
again?!" Motoki yelled into the stricken man's ear. "What's   
wrong?"  
  
"Konnichi'wa, Motoki-san," Mamoru said, looking up from   
where Matoki had thrown him. "How long have you been there?" He   
didn't even notice that he was on the floor.  
  
"Alright, Mamoru-kun. Something's wrong with Usagi-chan?   
It's the only thing that would get you this upset." Motoki sighed   
and waved Mamoru to a stool. "What's wrong with Usagi-san?"  
  
"Usagi-san?" Mamoru asked, confused. "Who's Usagi?"  
  
Motoki looked deep into his friend's curlean eyes. He didn't   
look like he was joking. "The girl you've been sprung over since   
she threw a test paper on your head. That Usagi."  
  
Mamoru shook his head. "Doesn't ring a bell."  
  
Motoki smacked his buddy upside the head. Again. "This isn't   
funny, man. Don't play with the amnesia jokes."  
  
"Who's joking?" Mamoru asked seriously. "Look, I gotta test   
tomorrow. See ya, Motoki-san." Mamoru slapped some money on the   
counter and walked outside. He almost ran Usagi down. "Oh, excuse   
me, miss." He walked past. Usagi stared at him, blue eyes wide.  
  
She walked into the arcade and almost ran to Motoki. "What's   
wrong with him?" she asked worriedly. "He was nice to *ME*." Then   
she blinked, remembering something. "Oh, iie. He didn't think I   
was serious, did he?"  
  
"WHAT?!" Motoki almost screamed. "Do you know what's wrong   
with Mamoru?" He looked ready to pull out his hair.  
  
Usagi blushed. "I-I sorta.. told him I'd call the cops on   
him if I saw him again." She stared at her feet as Motoki got the   
full picture.  
  
He pushed Mamoru's coffee aside and started banging his head   
on the counter. "Baka, baka, baka..."  
  
Usagi was getting upset. First Mamo-chan is *nice* to her   
for the first time in the R series, now Motoki seems determined   
to get as bad a case of amnesia as Mamoru always has. Between   
deaths, that is. "Motoki-san? Genki desuka?"  
  
"Hai, genki desu." Motoki stopped hurting himself.   
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Mamoru thought you were serious, so he came in here and   
started doing what I just did. Now he doesn't know you exist, Usa-  
chan." Motoki propped his elbows on the counter. "Rita sure is   
purtty, ain't she?" he asked dreamily.  
  
"Uhh... Motoki-san? We were talking about Mamoru-kun," Usagi   
reminded him.  
  
"Mamoru-san reminds me of Rita," he murmured.  
  
"Ha-i, Motoki-san, I suggest you never mention this to Rita-  
sama." Usagi then realized what he had said about Mamo-chan.   
SHIMATTA! You mean he doesn't remember me *AGAIN*?! Damn it! This   
is almost as bad as what that bitch Beryl did to him!"  
  
"Beryl?" Motoki asked. "I thought she was the mortal enemy   
of that hotty Sailor Moon last season. Hey!" he looked at Usagi   
with awe. "You're Sailor Moon, ne?" He looked almost fanatical.   
"Can I get an autograph? Can you introduce me to Sailor V? Are   
those fuku's as short as they look?"  
  
Usagi was backed into a corner. Desperate, she pulled the   
Crescent Moon Wand out of last season and bonked him on the head   
with it.  
  
"Serena? he asked. "Where's Darien? Why'd you hit me?"  
  
"Oh, damn it! DiC got ahold of this fic too?!" the newly   
translated Serena screamed. "S*** Beeeeeepppp! Now they're   
censoring me? I'll show those   
M****bbbbbbeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppppppppppbeepbeeeeeeppeeebe crack!   
(censor breaks down from trying to handle the long string of   
profanity) And the damned horse you rode in on!" Serena finished   
proudly.   
  
Andrew stared at her in awe. "Man, I'm 16 and *I* can't   
curse like that."  
  
"What the F***?!" (AN: I censored that one, use your   
imagination.) Serena yelled. "Now they changed the ages?!" She   
walked out of the scene for a moment, and came back with an   
executive of some sort. She was dragging him by the feet, and the   
suit and tie man was clawing at the side of the film and   
screaming for his mommy.  
  
Serena shoved the hideous man into a chair, then grabbed his   
tie and pulled some sciccors out of thin air. "Think graphic,"   
she said threatening. She pulled his tie out and snipped it's   
tail end off roughly, leaving many tattered pieces of cloth   
hanging. "Do you understand what will happen to you if things get   
worse?"  
  
The man nodded, then took a deep breath. "I refuse to change   
our ways," he declared fanatically. "Soon you'll be no better   
than Barney!" He started laughing hysterically.   
  
A man named Pioneer and a woman named Kondasha (name tags)   
walked on stage, bowing appologetically. "We don't know how this   
atrocity got past us," Kondasha murmured. "We need to be more   
careful who gets what rights."  
  
"I now have the rights to translate Sailor Moon," Pioneer   
explained. "I'll take care of the problems."  
  
The man Serena now recognized as the slimy, disgusting,   
ultimate evil of DiC himself pulled out of Serena's grasp.   
"I've already produced two seasons!" he screamed. "You'll never   
get rid of me! Bwahahahaha!" DiC ran out the doors of the arcade.   
Pioneer and Kondasha cased after him. Soon a mob of angry fans   
joined in the pursuit, howling for blood.  
  
Serena turned back to Andy. "Why don't we wait for the   
pissed people to pass before we pick up where we left off?" And   
nodded, and the two started lounging around.  
  
***3 HOURS LATER***  
  
"It's about time!" Serena muttered as the last angry person   
passed the arcade. "I didn't know I had so many fans! Now, where   
were we? Oh yeah!" Serena pushed Andy back into his former   
position on the floor. "Well that takes care of that problem,"   
she said, brushing off her hands and returning the Crescent Moon   
Wand back to Season 1. "I gotta go catch Mamo-chan!"   
  
"Mamo-chan?" Andrew asked, lost.  
  
"Opps. We're Americanized now. I forgot," Serena blushed. "I   
mean that Jackass Muffin of mine." Andrew still looked   
confounded. "Darien." she clarified. Serena ran out of the   
arcade...  
  
Only to be almost run down by a clown choking on something.   
Raye chased it, swinging a broom. "Damned gag! Why can't I ever   
get it?" she demanded in passing.  
  
"Hehe," Serena looked sick, with a large sweatdrop on her   
forehead. "Running gag, very funny. Hehe."   
  
Then she took off pell mell down the road. She ended up near the   
high rise apartment that Darien called home. Actually, she hadn't   
ever heard him call it anything.   
  
Running up to her Muffin's apartment, she knocked the door   
down. Darien jumped up from his couch. "Who.. Mmph!?" Serena   
tackled him.  
  
"Damn it Darien! You are the biggest jackass I've ever met,   
but I'll be damned if I'll let you have two cases of amnesia in   
one season!" She kissed him hard. Darien's hands automatically   
slipped up to her waist. After several minutes, they broke apart,   
gasping for air.  
  
"Serenity?" he gasped. "What happened?"  
  
Serena pulled him up off the floor. "We defeated Beyrl, you   
died, I killed Metallia, I died, we came back... You forgot us!"   
she screamed this last part.   
  
Darien jumped at the loud noise and slipped on a rug. His   
head hit the coffee table hard. Serena looked over him worriedly.  
  
"Muffin? Are you okay?"  
  
"Meatball Head?" he asked disbelievingly. "What are you   
doing in my apartment?" He rubbed his head.  
  
Serena sighed. "It'll do," she muttered. Then walked out the   
door, leaving a very confused Darien.   
  
Mina stood off to the side. "Parting is such sweet ice   
cream," she sighed.  
  
Lita looked at a guy walking down the hall. "He looks like   
my old boyfriend."  
  
Amy hushed them both, her nose in a book. "I'm only 10   
chapters ahead, guys." she paused to think for a mamoent. "And   
we really shouldn't be doing this," Amy threw in for goood measure.  
  
Darien just stared as a guy in black wearing a bucket on his   
head walked up to him. "Luke, I am your father. It is true."  
  
An old timey bar fight crashed through the walls. Horses   
reared and guns were fired.  
  
The author (ME!) walked out onto the scene. "Excuse me?" I ask. No   
one notices. "Hey! *EXCUSE ME YOU JACKASSES!*" Everything   
stopped. "You," I point at the guy in black. "Two doors down, the   
Star Wars set." I looked at the cowboys, one of whom was in a   
pink teddy that showed off his hairy, 700 pound figure nicely.   
"You belong on the Warner Brother's set for Blazing Saddles."   
They walked out of the hole in the scene.  
  
The cowboy in pink started to walk off with his head   
hanging.  
  
"Not you," I stopped him. "You need the room three doors   
down. It's padded and there are people there who'll give you a   
nice, long sleeved white jacket, to keep you all toasty warm."   
He smiled a green, broken tooth smile and walked off in the   
other direction.  
  
"And *you*," I glared at the Scouts. "You haven't had your   
memories revived yet. Out!" I pointed to the door.  
  
"But we-" they started.  
  
"I know what you!" I screamed. "OUT! *BITCHS!*" They pouted   
and left the scene.  
  
I turn to Darien and smile. "Sorry about that."  
  
Darien smiles that blinding smile that makes you wanna melt   
into a puddle of goo. "It's no problem."  
  
I take the smile as a sign and jump into his arms; damsel in   
distress style, grabbing a kiss while I can. "Now, how 'bout you   
and me, Muffin?" I murmured seductively in his ear.  
  
"Let *GO* of *MY* Muffin!" Serena screamed, jumping back on   
stage. She dragged me out of Darien's arms.  
  
"But Serena!" I whined. "You hogg him all the time! You   
gotta share!"  
  
"No I don't" Serena spits out spitefully. Then, me still   
sqirming, she reaches up and grabs a cord hanging from the   
ceiling. She pulls down, and the screen is replaced as a tie die   
picture rolls down. Large black letters spell out...  
  
"The End."  
  
Then a mob of screaming fans break through the picture, hot   
on the heels of a terrified DiC.   
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Well, what cha think? E-mail me peeps! You know, Serena   
should have to share. (Grumblings) Enjoy insanity while you have   
it!!! O_o;; Celestia 


End file.
